Clearing out my closet & my past…

For many folks who have Netflix, the world of Kon Mari has been cracked wide open. For the planner world, she’s someone we have followed since she came out with her book a few years ago “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of decluttering and organizing.

In my 2019 Goals, (which I will be writing about soon), I am starting to declutter my house using The Minimalist Home plan.  But then I started watching Tidying Up. And while I am still following my original goal plan, I decided that any time I had an extra 30 minutes to an hour, I would take the opportunity to START clearing my clothes out by just getting rid of anything that doesn’t fit. And so far its been great.  I have purged 7 bags of tshirts, 4 bags of tops and now tonight, 2.5 bags of skirts.  Its been fairly easy and mostly painless but as I started to really pay attention to sizes and look at everything I was getting rid of, it truly felt like I was saying goodbye, to who I was right after my surgery, to who I was at the high point of my fighting career and now, I was making space for Me in the now.

And that really hit me hard.

I lost my first 100 pounds in my first 100 days after my surgery. I dropped down to 178 pounds but looked horribly unhealthy, which is an effect gastric bypass can have on someone as they are learning to balance their weight loss.

As I was pulling clothes out I was taking out size small, size medium, size 10, size 12: All sizes I know I will never be again until after I decide to have a tummy tuck done. These clothes were from the TINY ME era, as I like to call it, because I went a little crazy. It was the first time in my life that people ever called me skinny. I wore short skirts, stiletto heels, and any kind of leather I could get my hands on. It really was quite a midlife skinny crisis.

My boobs were still HUGE but my waist was tiny (comparatively) and I felt sexy in ways I’d never known before, and I went a little nuts. I admit it lol.  But I was also learning how to deal with jealousy, from women, that I had never known before. Suddenly women looked at me with disdain, because I dared wear a low cut shirt, or a skirt that was mid thigh, or a sweater that hugged every curve I had but yet, these were the same types of women who ignored me as the fat girl, or just glazed past me because I was obese and didn’t pose a threat to them before. Now, I was most definitely a threat!

The evil eye tsunami was a phenomenon I was not prepared for.

Looking back, I realize now, that was when my true inner confidence started to build up.  I realized that I was damned if I did, and damned if I didn’t, so I just started doing what felt good to Me and not worrying about anyone else.  Granted that process was a long one, and at times it can still sneak up on me and bite me in the ass, but for the most part, I am just Me, 100% Badass Valkyrie and I am comfortable in my skin.

But pulling out all those old clothes felt like I was pulling out all those old demons. It was also a HUGE reminder that I am not a size 12 any more, not that I stayed a size 12 for more than 2 seconds in the grand scheme of things, I knew I had been that size at one time in my life, and putting some of those clothes in the bag made me feel like I was giving up on ever getting there again. And it was bittersweet.

I know that I was that size because I was training 7 days a week, sometimes 3 hours a night, just to maintain that weight. The first few years of fighting I didn’t do anything that didn’t revolve around the sport. Every waking moment, every vacation day, every spare penny I could find went into fighting, or training, or gear, including our entire tax refund.

Its so different now, my focus, my interests and my goals, yet this past Saturday when I was LIVE for the Utah Planners meet up talking about my goals, I literally say that my fitness is the most important part of my life and its my number one goal. Fighter or not, the athlete in me will never give up and I am ok with that.

But now, I have other things I can also spend time on, and I am happy with that.  But it still made saying goodbye to those clothes hard. Even as I truly get that I will not fit into them.

So, I am focusing on the joy that they brought to me when I could wear them, and I hope that they bring joy to someone else too. Realistically, I know I moved on from those things, but in the back of my mind, it also feels like I am giving up on being that girl again.

And as I typed that out, I realize, I am not going to be that girl again.  I can’t be. Not because of a size, or a style or even if I am a fighter or not. Its because I have grown beyond who she was. So its also time to say goodbye to that part of my past and not be sad that I am leaving that person, that Amy, where she belongs.

Its time to be mindful of the present, and who I am now, and who I want to accomplish in the future.

So Fine! Marie Kondo…I get it now.

I understand why we thank the things for what they have done for us. I get it.

Tears and all…over short skirts and high heels.

Who would have guessed…lol