Adventures, Armored Combat, Arthritis, bariathlete, bariatric surgery, Battle of the Nations, BotN, Extreme Athlete, Full Contact Medieval Combat, HMB, HMBIA, IMCF, Jeet Kune Do, Kali, Medieval Fighting, Mixed Medieval Martial Arts, SCA Fighting, Sword Fighter, Travel, Uncategorized, WMFC

Becoming Water…

“Don’t get set into one form, adapt it and build your own, and let it grow, be like water.” – Bruce Lee

In 1993 I went to a movie premiere with friends. It was “Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story”. I became enamored with his teachings, and wanted to learn Jeet Kune Do so badly, but at that time, 24 years ago, I was upwards of 300 pounds, and had no real aspirations of ever being anything different.

But I wanted to be. I dreamed of becoming water. Of figuring out what that meant. Of transforming myself, in some way, so that I could be this lithe martial artist.

Fast forward to the early 2000’s. I first heard of Bernales Institute (BIMA) because my SCA Knight at the time had his son enrolled there. I knew about BIMA and had even attended a couple of competitions to watch my friend’s son compete. I still felt the desire to become water, and it was even an analogy in my SCA training at the time, but still, it only managed to tingle the desire again. I even bought the book “Tao of Jeet Kune Do” and started reading it. I was fascinated but having no martial arts background it was more a study on the influence of Bruce Lee on the world than anything I could apply personally, even though I truly wanted to gain more insight.

I took a few classes at the University, Krav Maga and Aikido, but both times never stuck with either one. At the time, they weren’t what I was looking for and were even, to a point, teaching me things that were counter to the fighting I was doing at the time.

Still, I wanted to be a fighter. That desire has never left me. I grew up fighting, literally, due to an abusive household, but I was always the victim, I never fought back, although I wanted to. I just never felt I could.

Fast forward to May of this year. I had just returned from the World Championships in Barcelona, Spain. I had competed for my 4th year as an International athlete. I had spent the past year trying to put the best female USA Team together, which was stressful, crazy and chaotic, even in the best of times.

I was tired. I was drained. I wasn’t sure I had anything left.

I’d achieved my long term goal from when I started this whole adventure, I had brought a world class women’s team to Battle of the Nations.

So now what…

I was kind of at a loss. I’d done what I had set out to do. We ended up 5th in the world, due to a technicality, that none of us knew anything about, but we were happy in our choices and the decisions we made that inevitably took us out of the competition sadly.

But that was it.

I came home, happily exhausted. But exhausted none the less. Then as the new season was “traditionally” starting, which is usually in June, I was trying to decide, was 2017 my last year? Was I ready to push for a whole new year, put my body through everything yet again, just so I could do the one thing I still hadn’t been able to do…go through another year of hell, just to fight Russia?

I thought a very long time about it. I talked it over with Greg, my husband, who has been my number one support since the moment he met me. Was I ready? Was he willing? Could I even do it one more year? Every year I get older, my training becomes exponentially harder and the competition becomes more fierce.

In May I saw a complete 180 degree change in the way Women’s Teams were fighting. I have been doing this from the beginning and am the only USA woman to compete consistently from the beginning. I could see & feel the smallest changes on the field, even when I was simply a walk on fighter for the Unified team and again when I was fighting with the Netherlands. Simple things were changing; from gear, to holds, to strategy. But mostly, it was the experience these women were gaining. All of us were “test cases” and we were beginning to shatter the learning curve.

For those of you who watched the fights this year, you saw a completely different fight than what you saw even 2 years ago and its only going to get harder to compete. This year the USA couldn’t take everyone that initially wanted to make the team. Choices had to be made, and those choices will only become harder as the year(s) progress.

So, do I end my fighting career on a high note with achieving my initial goal?

I didn’t want to, but was I ready to change how I had trained up til now, so that I could be competitive and viable for the team? That was really the question that I had to answer.

Certain things led up to my decision to continue for 2018. One huge opportunity pushed me over the edge. A fellow fighter was selling his titanium kit (that I had admired already) and I had the funds available to get it. It cut the weight of my kit by almost half and I knew that would help me train easier. I also knew I could sell my red kit to someone else and it would still be a huge upgrade for them as well, so the eternal cycle of armor was a beneficial push.

Enter Bernales Institute of Martial Arts…

“Flow in the living moment. – We are always in a process of becoming and nothing is fixed. Have no rigid system in you, and you’ll be flexible to change with the ever changing. Open yourself and flow, my friend. Flow in the total openness of the living moment. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves. Moving, be like water. Still, be like a mirror. Respond like an echo.” – Bruce Lee

I had options to attend training at Jeremy Horn’s Gym. I knew MMA fighters like Josh Tyler and even had the opportunity to fight him this year (best day ever). But it wasn’t quite what I needed. I have very little foundation for my fighting, something I have blogged (albeit painfully) about in the past, so I knew I wanted to find basics that would transfer to what I am doing now and have it be training my body could tolerate over time.

I sent video links of my fights, of my sport and of the USA team to Will Bernales. I also had another friend actually teaching at BIMA, so I knew the basis of what possibilities were there. I went in for an initial consultation and explained what MY limitations were.

I have arthritis in both hands. That factor will be the ending to my fighting career at some point. I know this. I’ve accepted this and its not a world-ending scenario, especially at my ripe old age of 50. But they haven’t taken me out yet, so I wanted to know what else I could do that would give me the foundations of that I want.

Kali was the answer. Even in that initial consult, I learned more that could help me in 30 minutes than I had learned in a year’s worth of sword training. I needed to learn how to move, how to strike, how to deflect and how to get out of holds. Up until now, I have relied on instinct, face-in-the-dirt experience and my size. After this past competition I knew that was never going to be enough for the coming year.

I had to be like water, and adapt to the changing shape of this sport, because my size, my experience and my ability to suck up damage wasn’t going to be enough any longer. If I am going to make the team in 2018, I am literally going to have to be like water, and flow. That’s all there is to it.

No more stationary ‘tank’.

Movement, skill and adaptability are the key. I am strong, I am solid and I can endure, but I am the turtle, not the hare. Time to get a little of both going…

So, what actually prompted this blog was the photo you see at the beginning. Its hanging in Bernales Institute. Its of Dan Inosanto and Bruce Lee. Guro Dan Inosanto was one of the only 3 instructors trained to teach by Bruce Lee. I knew the name. I knew that when I signed up for BIMA, I had JUST missed a seminar taught by Dan Inosanto there, and that made me so sad. But I hadn’t really thought about the connection to my past desires until last night, when I saw this photo as I sat down to wait for my Kali class.

Blame it on Fate, blame it on the prednisone making me wonky, blame it on whatever, but when it hit me, it hit me. Everything finally made sense to me, even the stupid delays of starting classes, etc.

The timing was finally right.

I was finally at the exact point that I could become water…and understand what that meant for me.

The fact that I am finally training in a place that I have had some sort of weird connection with for over 15 years and that it has led me to not only learning Jeet Kune Do, but learning it from someone in Bruce Lee’s lineage is pretty amazing, at least to me.

History, tradition and lineage mean a lot to me and I am very proud of my fighting line and always will be. The man that knighted me and those in that line have been instrumental in my continuing to fight, even to the point that I am now wearing his armor, so I feel a little of that blood, sweat and tears as I put my kit on every single time.

I think about those things. I think about my line, and those that I have Knighted now, and I pass on what I can to them. I think about what they will consider important enough to pass on when they Knight someone else of our line. So while some never take lineage into account, it means a great deal to me and to my own personal history.

Finally understanding what it means to be water is part of that. Its not as simple a concept as one would think, but it also is too. They say a picture is worth a thousand words…and I promise you that photo, hanging on that wall, at 8:15 p.m. on July 12th, 2017 was worth a lot more than a thousand words to me…

I start Jeet Kune Do on Saturday…

Be Like Water my Friends

Adventures, Armored Combat, bariathlete, bariatric surgery, Battle of the Nations, BotN, Dragon Con, Extreme Athlete, Full Contact Medieval Combat, gastric bypass, HMB, HMBIA, IMCF, Medieval Fighting, Mixed Medieval Martial Arts, SCA Fighting, Sword Fighter, Travel, Uncategorized, weightloss success, WMFC

Throwback Thursday…10 years in the making!!!

Yesterday, April 12, 2017 was my 10 year post-op anniversary of my Roux-en-y Gastric Bypass surgery.

Had that surgery not occurred, I would not be here today. I was told within minutes after coming out of anesthesia that I was lucky I had my surgery when I did. In two years max, I would have needed a liver transplant and at that time, I was so fat, I could not have even been considered for the wait list. I would have died before I could have lost enough weight on my own to even qualify to be put on a list…much less get a donor liver.

Yesterday, after going back over ALL my previous year’s blogs, looking at old photos, and remembering each year I took my comparison pictures, I felt thankful. I felt alive. I felt grateful.

But for the first time, in almost my entire life, I also felt “normal”.

I know I have expressed hate for this word, because I always felt like it put me into a category where I couldn’t be myself. I couldn’t stand out or feel like what I did mattered. Being “normal” always felt off to me. Hell I can barely type the damn word without using “quotation” marks to make it stand out lol.

Last night while Greg and I were celebrating, we discussed the past 10 years and the changes we have made. Interestingly enough it was funny we were celebrating at our favorite BBQ place, having wings for dinner. I told him how odd it was to think back at the days after my surgery and knowing deep down in my heart I would never be able to enjoy a meal again, yet here we were, eating a “normal” meal like everyone else around us. We both got an order of 12 wings and we went home with half of them left. So technically, we couldn’t even eat a “normal” (see I can’t stop) portion between us!

I never have to worry about not fitting into a booth any more. Or if a chair will support me, or if I am too big to fit through a doorway, or to be able to pee in a regular bathroom stall. Trips that involve flying don’t terrify me any longer because I don’t have to ask for a seat belt extender and pray that it fits.

Most of all I don’t have to worry about what people think about the food sitting in front of me, or if I order a dessert, because I look “normal”.

To many of you, any or all of these worries probably seem insane, or at the very least silly, why would someone worry about going to the bathroom and fitting into a stall?!? Yet fat people worry about it ALL THE FUCKING TIME! If we don’t do it consciously, it happens subconsciously, trust me. You would be surprised the things I never thought I had to think about…until it stopped.

I can remember suddenly realizing I didn’t have to think about where to sit, or what to sit on, or be bothered with how far away I parked, or if someone would see me sitting in my car eating a hamburger. Because now I could pass for “normal”.

Pass for Normal…

Think about that for a moment.

Even when I have lost over half my body weight, even after I have spent the last 4 years of my life working my ASS off training, putting my body through hell to train for a sport that I love, I STILL worried that I had to ‘pass for normal’.

Last night was the first time I actually admitted to feeling normal out loud. That I could enjoy my meal, eat what I wanted and feel good about it. Thinking back to how I felt that first year, I wasn’t sure I would ever get to last night. But I am there. I still have panic that some day I will wake up and be 450 pounds again, literally overnight, but those moments are few and far between.

Have I lost/gained pounds over the past 10 years? Sure. You can see it even looking back the last 6 months. My face always shows when I am gaining or losing. Right now, I am more muscle than I have been in the past but I also have additional weight too. I am the heaviest I have been since my surgery. I am at 230 pounds. A lot of that IS muscle, but I am also 50 years old. I have some work to do to get back down to my 200-210 range but I am no longer willing to put my body through the adrenal fatigue, the excessive training and the obsessive worrying about my weight that I have done over the past 10 years.

I struggled this year, with learning how to train my body the correct way and not put myself through the trauma I have in the past. Its difficult when you are competing with 25 year old’s, and knowing that their bodies react so much differently than yours. But with age comes knowledge and I have to learn how my body needs to be trained and not over train because I feel the need to beat every 25 year old into submission.

Trust me. Its a daily struggle.

I also had a lot of stress this past 6 months. I’ve had to deal with an office reorganization on top of learning how to go from being the only woman on the team to leading 9 women on our own team.

Its been a rough ride. Its been well worth it, but believe me, my ulcer and hormones have needed a break for awhile now. And my weight shows it.

But when yesterday came and went, there wasn’t any guilt. There wasn’t any shame. There wasn’t any regret. There was just happy, joyful, “NORMAL” me.

I kept waiting for it all to sink in and throw me into the pit of despair I had always fought when I would gain or lose weight or when my numbers weren’t as good as I thought they would be…

but it never happened.

I’m alive. That’s pretty fucking amazing.

I’m an athlete. We go through plateaus and barriers and we figure it out.

All of this is…

NORMAL.

For the lack of a better word…I am normal.

And while it still rubs me the wrong way when I say it…its ok.

Just this once 😛

Adventures, Armored Combat, Arthritis, bariathlete, bariatric surgery, Battle of the Nations, BotN, Extreme Athlete, Full Contact Medieval Combat, gastric bypass, HMB, HMBIA, IMCF, Medieval Fighting, Mixed Medieval Martial Arts, SCA Fighting, Sword Fighter, Travel, Uncategorized, weightloss success, WMFC

My own shell…

Last night, after we saw “Ghost in the Shell”, I made an off handed comment about how I would pay ALL my money to have an ass like Scarlett Johansson, and I didn’t think any more about it.

This morning I woke up, got my coffee, stepped into the shower and started washing my hair first thing. I do this usually with quite a bit of pain in my hand, and during the hot shower, I press my fingers against the hot tile wall and pop my fingers to gain some relief after they have been submersed in hot water for a few minutes, so as to help with the flexibility. Its my normal morning routine.

Today, like every other day, I did this routine, only to find that my pain was not there. I popped my joints and nothing. I realized then that when I got my coffee, again, no pain in opening the reuseable K-cup or the coffee canister.

No.Pain.Whatsoever…

Its been well over a year since I could say that. In all honesty, I don’t know how long its actually been since my left index finger didn’t throb in pain constantly. Its just become part of the aches and pains that are my life.

The photo at the top shows how much I could bend my index finger before the shot, what the finger looked like after the shot with the X-ray and then finally, this morning, making a fist.

Today, I realized that I will endure more cortisone shots in my other two problem fingers when I need it, and not think twice. Its crazy how you can forget chronic pain, even when you are in the midst of it, because it just becomes your norm.

Just like always wishing I had someone else’s body.

We’ve all done it, I would love to have Angelina’s lips, Scarlett’s ass, someone else’s hair, tits and whatever else…yet when I stood in that hot shower, water cascading over me, shampoo sliding down my back, I was so happy. I kept making a fist because I could. That was something I couldn’t do yesterday and today I can, thanks to modern medicine and great insurance coverage.

In that moment I realized I honestly don’t want anyone else’s anything. I have worked so hard on the body that I have, wishing for something else doesn’t really pay due homage to my efforts. I work my ass off, literally, almost every day to achieve what I have right now. Is it perfect? No. And honestly, I could work out every minute of every day and I would still NOT look like Scarlett. Or Angelina, or anyone else but me. Even when I weighed 450+ pounds, I was still simply Amy. Good, bad, ugly or beautiful…its still just Me.

So the next time I see a perfect set of tits, or quads I would die for, I can absolutely appreciate them, and believe me, I do…but I also will give myself credit for what I have achieved…and that is perfectly OK.

Too many people think you’re conceited or vain when you post a selfie, or show off your muscles….or even post a workout. Its not any of that, its proving to yourself that your worth the effort, that the work you have put in is making a difference.

When I post comparison shots, it doesn’t matter who likes them and who doesn’t, because its for Me. So that I can see the difference, because believe me there were so many years I was too ashamed to even have my photo taken, that I wish I had now. Just the other day I was talking about the only cruise Greg and I have taken together…there’s one, maybe two photos of the entire trip. Period. Because we were too fat to enjoy our trip, or go on excursions or even wander the ports we visited, because we were so exhausted just moving our bodies. How horrible is it that we didn’t even want to take photos of the trip!

So never again will I wish I had someone else’s body, I put in enough work on mine as it is and for 50 years old, its pretty damn good, regardless of its little quirks. And I still have goals to reach. So until I can put little micro nano beasts inside me that fix everything that’s wrong, I think I will stay with the tried and true method of hard work, exercise and trying to be as healthy as I can be…

With the occasional sugar cookie…

Just remember, no matter how you look, how you feel or how life is treating you…there’s ALWAYS someone who would do anything to be in your shoes. Focus on how to make you a better you…and don’t worry so much about wishing you had someone else’s ass 😛

The Bad Ass Valkyrie

Adventures, Armored Combat, bariathlete, bariatric surgery, Battle of the Nations, BotN, Dragon Con, Full Contact Medieval Combat, gastric bypass, HMB, HMBIA, IMCF, Medieval Fighting, Mixed Medieval Martial Arts, Sword Fighter, Travel, Uncategorized, weightloss success, WMFC

Chaos Reigns…

I realize its been awhile since my last update here. I will try to update you with everything I can but just know that basically my life is Chaotic at best right now and life can sometimes hand you a curve ball…

In February, my office went through a big change. We hired a new Executive Director and while he is great, he has changed a lot about the way our office works. We also had a couple of key folks leave, thus creating a shortage in workforce, so a complete restructure had to happen. In that, I actually came out very well, my job as Events Manager stayed pretty much the same, just a much more intensified schedule. Where I would have had some downtime, I now have other duties, so work is pretty packed.

On top of that, I am also the Captain of the USA Womens Team for Battle of the Nations 2017 and that, combined with my personal training schedule and work is consuming most of my day. What little free time I have I spend trying to clean my house, get my gear ready, spend time with my husband & fur kids and yes even play a little World of Warcraft.

While I do tend to thrive on Chaos…I do prefer to have ups and downs in that craziness. It keeps me a bit more grounded and usually its only the last month before Worlds that I get a bit lost…this year, it happened a few months early. So I do apologize for not getting an update out there sooner. Just know everything is running much smoother than I could have imagined at first and after a minor breakdown or two, I am back on track. Mostly. I still have 6 weeks before Worlds, so who knows what will happen lol.

I did manage to add a few things to my “50 Firsts before my 51st” list and I did an updated video on my drive home from the Sonora Celtic Faire Tournament this past weekend. So I can at least update you with that!

My 50 Firsts before my 51st Updated List!

Climbed the Teotihuacan Pyramids, Mexico City
Ate Crickets & Ant Larva, Mexico City
Fought professional MMA Fighter, Josh Tyler
Did my first Facebook Live Feed, in conjunction with Readyman.com
Started Crossfit @Brickwall Crossfit
Did my first official Crossfit WoD Competiton
Drove thru Donner Pass
Camped out in my new car
A 17 Year promise finally fulfilled

So the list is growing and I am sure over the next 9 months it will grow exponentially and I am looking forward to sharing those moments with you when I can. As I said, there will be some firsts that are a little too personal to share but I will at least denote them in some way 😛

Otherwise, I am currently deep into my training for the World Championships in Barcelona, Spain. The competition runs from April 29 to May 1, but I will be doing some traveling before that and many of my firsts will come into play then.

On a side note, I did manage to read (listen) to Neil Gaiman’s new book “Norse Mythology” and I must say, it is extremely well done. If you have ever had interest in the Sagas or the Poetic Eddas you should give this great book a chance. I have gone through it twice now and I love it. It’s very well written, it follows the most logical paths to the stories that I have heard and he bases his versions partially on Snorri Sturluson’s writings, which I have enjoyed.

Hopefully sometime within this year I can break away from my chaotic schedule and get to Iceland, it is on my list of places to see and right now tickets to Reykjavik have never been cheaper. So, here’s hoping.

The USA Broad Swords are doing great, the USA Team as a whole will be announced soon and we are all preparing for our jaunt overseas. After that I have DragonCon and ITOC to look forward to as well as a few other tournaments, in country and out. So while the World Championships are first and foremost on my mind right now, there’s a lot of things coming up after that as well.

Hopefully you enjoy my little video as I am driving through the beautiful Donner Pass on my way home yesterday. It was a glorious day and I couldn’t help but be filled with happiness and joy simply for being alive.

I think the full moon the night before set everything right again…

Here’s hoping…

The Bad Ass Valkyrie

Adventures, Armored Combat, bariathlete, Battle of the Nations, BotN, Dragon Con, Full Contact Medieval Combat, gastric bypass, HMB, HMBIA, Medieval Fighting, Mixed Medieval Martial Arts, Running Streak, SCA Fighting, Sword Fighter, Travel, Uncategorized, weightloss success, WMFC

2017…Balance and Gratitude

2017 is finally here. I have been embracing it for a full 5 days now, pondering where my focus might be this year. Balance. Along with gratitude, satisfaction and appreciation. These are what I plan to focus on.

Gratitude: the quality of being thankful; rediness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.
Satisfaction: fulfillment of one’s wishes, expectations or needs, or the pleasure derived from this.
Appreciation: the recognition and enjoyment of the good qualities of someone or something.

I am a woman who loves extremes. Extreme sports, extreme lust, adrenaline, fear…anything that gives me that rush that drives me. My highs are pretty high but my lows can get pretty low. When you find something that drives you, there comes a point where you exhaust your input and you seek more. I will be the first person to tell you that “I want what I want when I want it”. Period. End of story. When I don’t get what I want, or things don’t go the way I think they should go, I get pissy. I know this about myself and I try very hard to NOT be this way, but, again, I am a balls to the wall kind of girl.

I won the husband lottery when I met Greg. He understands the way I am, he navigates it VERY well and is pretty much the one person who can tell me NO and I listen. Mostly. And he knows this about me, and we have yet to have an actual fight. Some of you more alpha males out there might think that he doesn’t have “control” in our relationship…and you would be wrong. We have balance. In my own life, I may be wild and chaotic, at best, but in my relationship with Greg, we actually have a very balanced lifestyle and it works very well for us.

A lot of folks who meet me first, or hell, have known me for years, and finally actually MEET Greg face to face are quite surprised at how we are together, as a couple. I am very much the person I am when I am on my own, but I am also a wife and a lover and a partner when I am with him. Thus our dynamic is very different, for each of us, when we are out together. He has never felt the need to “control” me, nor does he need to. When we are together we are balanced. That actually happened very early on in our relationship and I think its one of the many reasons he and I clicked so well, because we just fit. We knew it from the moment we sat next to each other in his tiny little apartment and talked about getting married the night we met; and we know it now, 21 years later.

Greg is someone I am grateful for. Some one I appreciate and someone I am satisfied with. There is not another person on this planet that I can say that about. He is my anchor in this crazy world and he is always my happy place. Its funny, when I call him my anchor, he always thinks of it as a big weight that gets tossed overboard from a boat. When I say it, I mean that he is what holds me in place and lets me bounce back to my home, my life and my happiness when I am stretched too far beyond my limits.

Which brings me back to BALANCE.

I have spent the last few years going to extremes and last year I entered 2016 with 2 major injuries, my ripped IT band and a tendon release on my left wrist. I had a rough time recovering from both of those and I am very thankful I entered 2017 injury free. But with the injuries I learned a very important lesson, one my body has been trying to tell me since I started training for this sport in 2013, I am NOT young any more lol. I am 50 years old and I can’t train like a 25 year old and expect the same results. My body is physically and metabolically different. I don’t perform the same, I don’t recover the same, and finally I have realized I can not train the same as a 25 year old.

Thus balance is key.

Now, before we all start getting crazy ideas that I am hanging up my kit and walking away from fighting, remember…I am still that balls to the wall girl who THINKS she can do it all. So, what I have come to realize is that in order for me to still be able to do this craziness, I have to find my balance, in my eating, in my training, in my running, in basically everything. Even gaming!

After my big 50th Birthday celebration I needed down time. And in typical Amy fashion, I went to the extreme and pretty much just gave in to everything. I drank Coke, I ate sugar cookies, I played WoW all day long, and I sat on my ass. It was the holidays…and the end of the year…and I needed to reset. So I sort of just sat in my study, played video games and snuggled my furbabies all day long.

Did I need it? Yes. Did it feel good? Yes. Did I throw out most of my good habits for two and a half weeks? Yes.

I don’t regret doing it…but I do wish I’d had a little more balance (and so does my scale). But I do feel more clear about facing the new year and working on my 2017 goals. I don’t really do resolutions as they are firm decisions to do or not to do something and the only place I like rigidity is in men and weapons, thus I prefer goals.

I had my first test of balance today actually.

I went into my running app to get my 2016 numbers. I was not a happy girl (injuries be damned). So I did what any self respecting data tracker does (yes, I might be a little OCD when it comes to my body stats), I pulled ALL the numbers, all the way back to Jan 2013. I started this sport in June, 2013 so this is even before then!

Instinctively, I started freaking out. Running is the one place I have hard, solid numbers. Numbers don’t lie. Numbers are how we win. Winning is important…right?

(insert rabbit hole here)

I immediately wanted to top whatever the highest number was, because I had to be better than myself this time last year and I failed. Then I started comparing this year’s numbers to last year’s numbers, then I broke it down by month. Then I went a little more crazy and went back 2 years. Then 3 years. How am I supposed to WIN when I can’t prove it with numbers…write down ALL the numbers…figure it out…make it work!!!

and that’s when I finally stopped myself.

What I ended up with, finally, was a way to “balance” my insanity…because not even getting HALF as many miles this year as I did last year was wigging me the fuck out.

I wrote down my monthly miles for the past 4 years. I averaged them by month and decided to make a goal of the highest monthly average, which is 33.85 miles/month, which will put my mileage for the year at 406.20. My highest monthly mileage was in August,2015 and I ran 90.13 miles that month(wtf was I thinking). My knee jerk reaction was to run 91 miles every month…and I realized I was going way too extreme and reigned myself in. So instead, I set a stretch goal of 41.66 miles/month which will put my mileage at 500+ miles at the end of the year if I meet it.

Yes, there’s a little part of me that says “round up the numbers it’ll be better” but again, I am trying to find balance, even in my ocd-edness.

After actually typing all this out, I wondered what my actual average mileage was, overall. Its 23.18 miles/month. I went back and looked at my stats. I met it once in 2016. 4 times in 2015, once in 2014 and 4 times in 2013.

I kind of see a pattern.

Go to an extreme, body forces rest. Go to an extreme, body forces rest.

Balance. I need it. Numbers prove it. Time to do it.

So folks…there’s a little peak into what my brain goes through in setting goals. Yes, I know it STILL sounds a little insane, but that part is just Me. I have other fitness goals for the year that I will not bore you with, but I am also going to focus more on gratitude and being grateful. Satisfaction, even when I don’t meet my goal for a month or I miss something that could have been added to my “50 firsts by my 51st” list. I am still so much more satisfied with my life, than I have ever been and that gives me an appreciation for this beautiful world that we live in and the people I choose to have in my life.

I am typically a positive person, I look at the world through the eyes of an optimist. I prefer seeing the good in all things, and I want us to all be happy. Yet I know things will be hard, especially for us as a nation, over the next 4 years. But I hope we all try and look at the world around us and figure out how to make it better, and how to find balance, even when most think we are surrounded by chaos.

Chaos isn’t a bad thing…you just have to be brave enough to face it and work through it. That’s it. What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. So find your strength, find your happiness…

Find Balance and be Grateful

Here’s to a great 2017 – skål

Amy Graham – The Bad Ass Valkyrie

Adventures, Armored Combat, bariathlete, bariatric surgery, Battle of the Nations, BotN, Dragon Con, Full Contact Medieval Combat, gastric bypass, HMB, HMBIA, IMCF, Medieval Fighting, Mixed Medieval Martial Arts, SCA Fighting, Sword Fighter, Travel, Uncategorized, weightloss success, WMFC

50 Firsts before my 51st…

December 13, 2016 I started my 50th year on this planet.

I have made many different plans on what I wanted to do for my 50th birthday but none of them seemed ‘quite right’. Traditionally, I have started the first day of December with Amypalooza…its just a big count down to my birthday on the 13th…sort of my own version of the 12 Days of Amy so to speak.

Birthdays growing up were never a big deal in my family, thus as I grew older and was able to celebrate them as I choose, I like being able to have a big celebration if I want to. I know had Greg and I ever had kids, we had planned on big birthday parties every other year, and small dinners with one or two friends the off years. Greg always had huge parties and he got to a point he didn’t like them…so a balance of the two seemed like the best idea. I have always felt that celebrating the day of your birth is important…as are surprises, presents, flowers and hugs! But I’m just that kind of woman…

This year was the big Five-O for me. I wanted to do something special since I was never meant to see this birthday. I thought of photo shoots, coffee table books, calendars, tshirts, and every other crazy idea I could imagine. Then, I knew what I wanted to do.

50 Firsts before my 51st. (FYI Greg came up with the great title)

Over the course of this next year I will do 50 things I have never done before and hopefully document them in a way that I can put them into a coffee table book that I can have for the next 50 years. I asked a few of my older friends what they did to celebrate their 50th birthday and some had a party, some went to dinner, some didn’t acknowledge it and some…to my HUGE surprise…had no idea what they’d done. They couldn’t remember!!!

Those of you that have known me for more than 15 minutes realize I am not someone who will turn 50 quietly. FUCK THAT!!!

So yes, I will have several actual photo shoots, I will have a big damn party (thank you to the bestest friend on the planet for hosting it in Boise this weekend) and I will shout it from the top of the tallest pyramids I can find…literally!!!

I am 50. I am a fighter and I am MIGHTY!!!

In my short first video blog (vlog) I have attached, you will see me get a little emotional. I can tell you the energy, the power, the strength and the love that I felt on top of the Teotihuican Pyramid of the Sun in Mexico City was pretty amazing and I am glad this whole crazy adventure started there.

So the list stands as follows: 2 Down, 48 to go!

50 Firsts before my 51st

Climb an Ancient Pyramid (I climbed 3 actually)
Eat A Bug (I ate a cricket and Ant Larvae, those will count for something damn it!)

I have a few more that I know will happen like getting my first tattoo done out of the country, hopefully seeing a new country or two (Mexico didn’t count since I had been there in college technically). Running my first Spartan Race in June. Meeting some of my birth family this summer, and maybe even Harry Potter World for my 20th Wedding Anniversary.

We will see where this Adventure takes me…my life is pretty damn fantastic and honestly I am more blessed than I ever thought I would deserve but I know I am exactly where I should be, doing what I should be doing and that’s a very powerful feeling.

Even at just a few months ago I was pondering just how long I have left in the fighting arena, yet now, with new training methods and some possible breakthroughs in technology, I no longer dread the end, because I can see myself fighting longer than I ever have before. I don’t worry as much about fighting women half my age and half my size, I fight my own fight. I train my own body. I am the athlete I am supposed to be, and if that doesn’t fit into your views of who I should be, that’s your own opinion. I fight for myself, no one else. I lead a group of women fighters who train for themselves, who fight for themselves and who can stand alone against all odds. We all choose to come together and become a team who fights for our Country and will defend one another at all costs. That is a powerful thing and I am proud to be a part of it.

This grand adventure has no limits, no negatives and no boundaries. Celebration is the order of the day and I plan to embrace it ALL. If I can eat a cricket in a cave after climbing ancient ruins, surrounded by people I love…I can do pretty much anything!

So buckle up folks…its gonna be one hell of a ride!!!

Adventures, Armored Combat, Battle of the Nations, BotN, Full Contact Medieval Combat, HMB, HMBIA, IMCF, Medieval Fighting, Mixed Medieval Martial Arts, Sword Fighter, Travel, Uncategorized, WMFC

Climbing Pyramids & Surviving Volcanos…

On Thanksgiving Day I boarded a plane to Mexico City, Mexico for a tournament. I had no idea how that singular act would change my life.

I knew I was going to be seeing friends & chosen family from far away places like Austria and Australia, as well as the new friends I had made in Mexico at ITOC II. Friends I love, friends who have cared for me, fought with me and I hoped loved me back. But what was so unexpected was the love I received from complete strangers. People I had barely met and in some cases, never met, yet I was cared for like I was one of their own family.

I landed in Mexico City after a full day of travel on Thanksgiving. Its the first Thanksgiving that I have had to miss since I started dating my husband Greg over 20 years ago, and this holiday was the first we’d ever spent together and now it would be the first we’d spend apart. So it is very hard to be away from him during this specific holiday, even though he’s not really a holiday kind of guy.

I meet up with Skye, who from the beginning of my steel fighting career, has been my inspiration and Tim, one of the closest male friends I have on the planet. We have a chaotic time trying to figure out our hotel situation after meeting up with Tim’s girlfriend Kristen and end up going to three…yes THREE different hotels before we finally get to settle in for the night. But finally we are all snug in a wonderful room, fed, wined and ready for sleep after catching up.

The next morning, Black Friday here in the states, we hop on a bus and head to the Pyramids of Teotihuacan, which is just outside of Mexico City. When we arrive we finally are greeted by many of the Mexican fighters as well as the beautiful Julia and her father Franz, from Austria. Both wonderful people who make my trip one of the most entertaining and magical adventures ever.

Now, let me just say here, neither I nor Skye had the foresight to pull peso’s out of the ATM at the airport. Thus, walking through the market prior to climbing the Pyramids was woeful, but alas a wonderful soul named Stephiee took pity on me and bought me the GLORIOUS hat you see in the photo above. I did manage to find one vendor that accepted credit cards and was able to pick up a couple of t-shirts before we headed out to the stone ruins. But that would be the last time I was able to peruse souvenirs until I left the country via Mexico City Airport.

We climbed stairs…and stairs…and Stairs…and STAIRS and then we found the Temple of the Feathered Serpent. It was magnificent and the stone carvings were so beautiful. The path that connects all the pyramids at Teotihuacan is called the Avenue of the Dead. Which I find interesting, because usually, I am feeling the past in my soul by now. But I never felt anything negative at all at the Teotihuacan Pyramids. In fact, it was just the opposite for me. It filled me with energy, with life and with love. Something I never expected from ruins.

Skye, Eric (another Aussie who had been in country for about a week already) and I wandered with various fighters along the path, walking through the ruins, crawling through portals and chasing lizards. It was amazing…and surprisingly easy given the altitude (which is about a mile and a half above sea level). I really never lost my breath until the Pyramid of the Sun, but I think it was mostly panic at that point because my crazy brain thought it would be a great idea to leave my bag at the base with Stephiee, which also had my inhaler and my water in it. Yea, sometimes I’m an idiot.

Anyway, we finally get to the Pyramid of the Sun. Its the largest pyramid at Teotihuacan and it was the one I felt most akin to. I am Native American and my tribe is the Euchee, also known as the Children of the Sun and as soon as I knew we were going to be seeing the Pyramids I was drawn to this one. Our friends were giving us wonderful information on each pyramid but when I saw it up close, I knew it was where I was meant to be. Why I was meant to be there and my plans were to record my very first Vlog from the top, which I did.

This trip started out simply as me getting to see Tim and getting a chance to fight with the Aussies as an early birthday present to myself. It kind of morphed into various things before I actually got on the plane. But by the time I arrived I knew it was the beginning of a new phase of my life. One I still wasn’t sure of yet, but a phase I knew was going to come, regardless. How I got from the original version to the version it became was a crazy, painful, wild ride but I wouldn’t have changed it, even if I could have.

From the moment I stepped up onto the first landing of the Pyramid of the Sun, I knew everything I had gone through was getting me to that point. With every step I climbed, it got a little more emotional and yet excited too. I was scared, I was energized I was terrified and I was happy, all at the same time. And when I finally post the short little vlog you will see and hear the pure emotion in my voice. I tried to control it but every moment on the top of that pyramid was filling me up with energy and it was hard to contain.

Right after I taped my vlog, Julia gave me one of her hand blown glass Goddesses. As she is describing the intricate details she put into it, my ears were ringing, my heart was pounding and as soon as I touched it, I knew she had put immense power into it. She’d asked me what attributes I’d wanted for it. I told her Strength, Beauty, Love and Power. They were all there, and so much more. As I lifted the glass beauty to the Sun I could feel so much energy surround me. And even if you don’t believe in such things, that’s ok. I know that this small vessel of blown glass holds a power within it…and that is perfect for me.

After the glorious experience atop the Sun Pyramid, we made our way to the Moon Pyramid. My inner geek let out a scream as I suddenly realized this was the pyramid used in Alien vs. Predator. I think it was quite a good thing that I was unable to get peso’s out because had I had them in my pocket, I would have squandered them all away trying to buy the huge Predator statue one of the vendors had at the base of this pyramid. Not the best use of what little return luggage space I had to get back home with.

After the pyramids, the entire group of fighters and support went to dinner at La Gruta. This is a restaurant located behind the Pyramid of the Sun and is built inside a natural cave. Even the kitchen is part of the cave. Its beyond words how beautiful it is and the food is amazing. Even the Crickets. Yes. I actually voluntarily ate a CRICKET!!! I also had ant larva but they were more like puffed, buttered rice. The cricket was crunchy and the texture is something I hope I never have in my mouth again. While I now know I could survive by eating crickets, I hope I never have to. I kept freaking out thinking I had cricket legs sticking in my teeth. Its the thing of nightmares for me….I hate crunchy bugs in general, but having to put one in my mouth was crazy. But hey, it was a day of firsts for me!

After dinner we head to the villas we are staying at. They are lovely. I was thankful for the accommodations and they suited our needs very well. Although more hot water would be a bonus next time =)

Saturday’s fighting was amazing. I fought as part of Black Swan, an HMBUSA Club out of Springfield, IL. Brad and Rudy were there to fight together and we had Craig, Jeff and I as well. We all fought well together and I am beyond blessed to have such wonderful men to call brothers. They never once hesitated to put me on their team and gave me every option I could have asked for, should I have ended up being needed on a different team. The team did well and we made it to the finals which were to be fought the next day. I ended the night taking a shortened version of Igor Parfentev’s bohurt workshop and it was well worth the time, even in the dark!

Sunday. Wow. Sunday was…crazy.

Sunday we finally go find an ATM and a pharmacy. We also find breakfast and realize the tournament will be running later than expected. By the time we get to the event site I have roughly half an hour to warm up, armor up and prepare for the Women’s 3vs3 fights. I can tell you on a NORMAL tournament day, I prefer to start prepping an hour and a half before. I calm my body, my mind and my soul to fight. When I am rushed, it is never good. But it sometimes happens and on this day, I had no choice. I get a little bit of a warm-up run in and don’t really feel any issues rising, so I get armored up.

We start the Women’s fights. Its the Night Witches against Skye, myself and Gina, a Mexican duelist from a different club. We start fighting and I can tell my breathing is off. Marie, the tall Quebec female who is in Mexico City for school and training with the Night Witches takes me on. We grapple and everything seems to be going well until I start feeling my helmet liner choking me. I can’t pull it down and the helm keeps pulling it tighter and tighter during the clinch. I can’t breathe and I can’t get a deep breath at all. At this point I start having an asthma attack. My lungs start to seal off and I can barely get out STOP FIGHT before I literally try to thrust my body through the rails. Marie doesn’t have any idea what’s going on and clinches me tighter, which in turn makes me panic. I’m quite sure I was going limp in her arms but she realizes something is wrong and we get me off the list.

I hadn’t worried too much about my inhaler the 2nd day because I had absolutely NO issues on Saturday, or even Friday climbing pyramids all day long. So I had no reason to believe I would have issues on Sunday, so I did not search out a Marshal to hand off my epi pen or inhaler. A lesson learned. I should ALWAYS do it, regardless of my condition, because my asthma can affect me at a moment’s notice. I had gotten a little lax about it because it had been many months since even a minor attack. Little did I know that this was going to be the worst attack I’d have to date.

I get a puff into my lungs finally. I feel jittery and anxious but I know if I don’t go back in the women won’t get another fight. So, I put my helmet back on and we start the 2nd round. Another lesson learned. After a few grapples and hard clinches, I couldn’t keep any oxygen in my lungs. They were burning and I was shutting down. Literally. I make it out of the list on my own and don’t have the wherewithal to get my gauntlets off. I start slinging my hands because they won’t come off. Then I can’t make my brain tell my body to take my helmet off. It won’t connect the dots and that’s where all hell begins to break loose in my body.

Its quite an internal catastrophe when your brain doesn’t work right. I can see whats happening around me, and I can feel myself begin to pass out. Next thing I see is I am on the ground, and Igor is taking off my armor. Somehow I can feel Julia’s hands on me, taking energy out of me and calming my body down. In this state, I have to have someone to focus on otherwise I can’t make anything work. She is that person. Then there were many. I could feel ribbons of excess energy being pulled out of me, in several directions. Igor gets me up and we move over to the bleachers.

Then something amazing happens.

Vero’s mother comes up to me and tells me she is a Reiki master. She asks in broken english if she can help me and at this point I have no real control over my body. She sits next to me and lays my wet head (Igor poured cold water over my head because I was overheating) on her chest and starts healing me. I have no idea how long we sat there, but at the point I started to feel normal she was literally glowing.

She doesn’t speak english but she managed to ask me if the list is where I let go of all my bad feelings. I tell her yes. Then she touches certain areas of my body and tells me that I am blocked and I am not letting go of what needs to be let go. And to this very minute, I have no idea how she knew exactly what to tell me in that moment. She says that Mexico is being renewed (I had no idea about the volcano eruption at this point in the day) and that it is time for me to be renewed as well. It was why I was sent here, and I need to let go of everything so that I can be filled with the love and positive energy that is waiting to fill me. And with that, I basically lose it.

She holds me again and some how pulls out everything that I needed to get rid of. I could feel the adrenaline and negative energy leaving my body and I could feel myself being empty if that makes any sense. In those moments when I was trying to calm my body down I realized I had so much anger and fear built up inside me and I was trying to hold on to everything because I couldn’t let something go without letting it all go. I was trying to hard to keep everything in…until it almost hurt me physically. The asthma/panic attack was just the conduit to get it out. For that I have altitude, pollution and volcanic ash to thank. Yes, on Friday evening Popocatepetl erupted and no one had an easy time breathing.

Everything came to a head in a perfect storm…and it ended in an amazing way.

After I finally was able to calm down completely I gather my things and walk over to my team. I climb the stairs and the level of fear is horrid inside of me. I look at their faces and I am quite sure they don’t want anything to do with me and don’t want me to fight with them in the finals. LOL little did I know their fear was that I wouldn’t be up to fighting with them in the finals and they would be a man down. Needless to say relief was felt by all of us! Truly, I could not have fought with a better group of guys.

I have never felt so much love and respect as when I walked back out on that field in harness. When they announced I was coming back to fight in the finals, the cheers from the crowd and from the fighters literally made me cry. I was happy I had my helmet on so no one could tell. But in that moment I knew I wasn’t just a token girl being allowed to fight with the big guys. I knew I was a strong, powerful woman taking the field with her teammates, who just happened to be men.

Sadly, we didn’t end up taking the gold, only silver, but the Slavs had to fight hard for their win. We didn’t go out without an enormously amazing fight. Jeffery Galli is a beast and while I was ready to go in to replace him after a cut to the back of his knee and a ghastly hit to the neck, he wouldn’t let me. He still had something left for the field. Wolfric tempted him and while Jeff went for him, it was quite possibly the most beautiful fake I’ve ever seen. It was one for the record books.

The fighting ended, the medals were handed out and during it all, I was surrounded with so much love and kindness I was overwhelmed at times. So many people coming up to me and telling me that they have followed my progress and were so excited to meet me. I had a little girl come up to me with her mother. She told me she had air sickness (asthma) too and she never thought she could be a Knight until she saw me using my inhaler. That little girl almost brought me to my knees.

Throughout the evening, my soul was filled with so much love and positive energy. Then we all met for a big dinner and it was amazing. I was surrounded by my tribe and so much love. I truly understood what Vero’s Mother meant by me renewing my soul’s energy. It was happening before I even knew it.

I truly came back to the states a different woman. A better woman. I know I am the woman I was meant to be. I found happiness, forgiveness, fortitude and strength…things I never knew I was missing. Things I never thought I would find at the top of a pyramid, in the eyes of a little girl or at the center of an asthma attack. The Fates are wise, chaotic and sometimes a little crazy, but I have always believed that destiny leads me on my path. At times I try a bit too hard to hold on to things I need to let go of, so that they can grow into something better.

Life is a journey and an adventure. If you are too afraid of what you will find, you will never start down your true path. Sometimes you have to let go, even when you are afraid of falling, because that’s when the winds of Fate pick you up and carry you to someplace more beautiful than you could ever imagine.

Mexico will always be a magical place for me. Not simply because of the pyramids or the people there, but because of my experiences that changed the course of my life. I have no idea what the future has in store for me, my fate was woven long ago. But I no longer fear it…or worry about what will happen.

I am centered and where I am supposed to be.

I am happy with who I have become.

I am the woman I was meant to be.

And she is Mighty!

badassvalkyrie

Always Fight Like A Girl

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