This morning I read a blog that talked about being Ready and how Ready is a lie that steals your hopes and dreams and paralyzes you. Ready is for people who want to live small & safe lives…
It kind of hit upon the feeling I have had the past few weeks of being unsettled. I thought it had to do with the World Championships which are coming down the tracks, at a million miles per minute, like a bullet train ready to crush me in its path…which is scary, exciting and crazily chaotic, but that’s what I tend to thrive on.
So I have been wondering, if that’s what I thrive on, why the uneasiness?
Lately, I have had a hard time finding focus. I have had so much attention on me these past few months with the articles and interviews that were done to help promote the sport of steel fighting & armored combat, that whenever I am asked if I am ready for the competition at the World Championships, I automatically tell them Yes!
But am I?
In my head, I feel like I am. But in my heart, I can’t quite get that sense of crazy chaos that comes with the unknown.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I have no idea how the competition is going to go, THAT, is always an unknown and with this being the first time I am competing in any of the singles/triathlon categories, I have no grand illusions. But I do know, for the most part, what to expect, and maybe that’s where this complicated feeling is coming from.
Last year at this time, I was going insane. I was pushing my body past its limits, I had no time to do anything, I was running purely on caffeine and sleep deprivation. My muscles hurt, my mind could only pinpoint-focus on getting things done, so much so that I didn’t take time for me. I didn’t consider what all that preparation was doing to me and just how terrified I truly was to go overseas for the first time and face the unknown of Spain alone.
I paid the price, in many ways.
But that was then. This is now.
Today, I feel calm. Still focused, but not nearly as worn down, or as drained, which I think enhances that supposed feeling of being ready. Yet the very thought of being ready, when I truly think about it, sends me into a panic because I am not.
So what DO I feel right now? I couldn’t really put my finger on it.
Then I realized…I am prepared.
In the way that you can be prepared for a hurricane. Yet no one is ever truly READY for a hurricane.
That simple realization makes me feel better. I’m not really sure why it does, but it does. I am sure many of you think it might be semantics, but in my head, it makes things better.
My blog, my thought process.
Ready makes me feel like I’m doing exactly what is expected of me and that a specific outcome is required. Any other outcome, (in my head) is considered a failure. It’s almost as if it puts me on the spot to do what everyone wants me to do, and I have never been able to quite master that. Believe me, at times I fail horribly at being who my friends think I should be.
I don’t like going by society standards. I don’t like being normal. I don’t like conformity. I will bend, on occasion, to ease a situation, but I am still me. Outspoken, boisterous, and imperfect; mostly because I tend to get single minded and need to be smacked upside the head to remember to think about other things. Sometimes it seems that people get annoyed by this, other times they embrace it about me. I completely understand both sides of it, but in the end, I am still just me.
So here I am, preparing for the hurricane that is coming. I have 6 days before I get on a plane and can only worry about what I have control of. Until then, I am focused, but a little more broadly this year, and quite a bit more relaxed, which is kind of awesome.
Am I prepared? Yes, as best as I can be at this point.
Am I READY? Frak no. I’m waiting on that hurricane…because it’s gonna be one hell of a wild ride!