Going a little berserk…

“If you want to win anything – a race, yourself, your life – you have to go a little berserk.” – George A. Sheehan

I haven’t blogged much this year. I haven’t done a lot of what I normally do this year. 2020 was the beginning of a new decade and I thought it would play out SO MUCH differently than it has.

Today I hit 100.20 miles ran in one single month. That is a lifetime achievement for me thus far in 53 years on this planet. The closest I have come was back in 2015 when I was at the height of my competitive sword fighting and I would venture to say the best shape of my life. I hit 91 miles back then and it was the most I had ever run.

Today was a huge milestone, yet it feels so meh.

Don’t get me wrong, I am SUPER happy I did it and while I did end up pulling my gastroc a week ago, I am on the mend now and nothing is permanently broken. Which, given the state of the Graham household this month, is an amazing feat. Granted, there are still 12 hours left in the day so I am trying NOT to risk fate.

This month has been chaotic at best. We dropped $1200 on a swamp cooler repair, only to find out we needed a WHOLE new roof, then we found out our pup Saki has liver cancer and a collapsing trachea and its simply a matter of when, not if, she will cross the rainbow bridge. Luckily we have equity and get a loan to replace the roof, get new flooring and a new fence, which is awesome but also has put a lot of stress on both Greg and I. He has started new meds that are wreaking havoc with his energy levels, we had to replace the outside faucet (and still have a leak on the swamp cooler after 3 visits), he managed to fix our dishwasher, I pull a muscle and dent my brand new car before it’s a month old and frankly we are both just DONE with June.

When we got told we would be spending a month or two working from home, it was hard. As an extreme extrovert it made me stir crazy. Now, 4 months later, I don’t want to go out. I don’t want to talk to friends, family, or people in general really and I am quite fond of staying inside the house. Yet, there’s that little extrovert in my head screaming silently, banging her fists against a soundproof transparent wall…and I have no idea how to react.

Usually when I feel like this, I can find someone to beat the hell out of with a sword. These days, I don’t want to pick one up. I don’t want to do much of anything…yet..I do. It’s the strangest sensation of both wanting to hide from the world and wanting to run screaming INTO the fray and just rage against everything and everyone.

So…here I sit, at my desk (dining room table) and ponder whether I am depressed, crazy or just feeling the effects of being cooped up for too long with no regular outlets to entertain me.

We get a new roof on Thursday.

I took tomorrow until Monday off so a 5 day weekend, because I just needed a break, as crazy as that sounds from someone who sits at her dining room table and only goes out to grocery shop or pick up food. Past Me would have been like “What the fuck do you need a break from? It sounds like paradise to be able to work from home and do what you want”.

Yet here I am…yearning to go Berserk…but only wanting to “berserk” within my own house. Safely. So I don’t rage against anyone who isn’t wearing a mask…or who is touting the virtues of the giant cheeto.

It’s like I feel like I need a stiff drink, and a cupcake…and a six shot Americano all wrapped up inside a candy-coated Xanex shell while pegging my adrenaline max as long as I can, punching the hell outta everyone while at the same time telling them I love them.

“If you want to win anything – a race, yourself, your life – you have to go a little berserk.” – George A. Sheehan

I feel like “go a little berserk” might be the understatement of the year George…